Detox Draaama

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So, here’s the thing, after the last hoorah of the holiday season, that yes, did creep into March, with the final straw that broke the camel’s back: the entertaining of my foodie friends from London. There may have been some extensive wining and dining that while at the time was a hoot, left me feeling hideous and heavy. 20150302_165556My digestion was constantly chugging through the breakdown of the likes of delicacies IMG_20150303_083540-2covered in beurre blanc, dauphine potatoes, wine, Nutella panna cotta  followed by more wine (drool). Not to mention the fact I now resembled Elvis Presley in the final years  – puffy, bloated, bleary eyed. 

Desperate times call for desperate measures and while I was toying with the 5:2 Diet (seriously, it’s the new black) as I have been for over a year, I thought – let’s bring in the big guns. So, I rather than go back to the 500 calorie a day HcG hell-hole, I chose to revisit an old friend- Dr Joshi Holistic Detox 21 Days to a Healthier, Slimmer You – For Life. Hmm well, while my memories of the diet were not bad – l had done it twice years ago, I did however miss the “For Life” part of the equation. But look, as any seasoned dieter will tell you – onwards and upwards my friend. Today is a new day. A new page in the book of life.  A new beginning.  I will NOT be deterred by my several hundred dalliances with diets over the years. No siree.  This one is sure to turn me off cheese platters and red wine FOREVER.20150228_223635

Now, a lot has changed since 2006 when I first “cleansed” with Joshi’s wise and ancient Ayurvedic recommendations. For one thing, I have since become the proud owner of a coffee machine and now enjoy a double shot soy milk cappuccino every. Single. Day. So the ‘no caffeine’ part of the plan was quite alarming. Day 2: not pretty – headaches, lethargy and just general Debby-Downer attitudes. And the next thing that has changed since 2006 is: Coconut Yoghurt. See, while it’s all very well to announce to the world that you’re not going to inhale caffeine, alcohol or sugar (my 3 most favourite things), and then also not partake in dairy (there goes the cheese platters), gluten wheat or red meat for 21 DAYS – it’s another thing to soldier on in the twilight hours craving for at least one of those delishy vices (hold me). One does at first need just a little something to keep afloat in this sea of alkaline eating.

20150309_163017CoYo Coconut Milk Yoghurt Alternative had not been invented when Dr Joshi penned his toxin-free, holistic manifesto and transformed the likes of Cate Blanchett, Gwennie Paltrow and Kate Moss, so there was no fine print about this terribly addictive product that on the outset appears to tick all of the Joshi boxes. And certainly no warning of that little minx CHOCOLATE CoYo yoghurt – be still my beating heart. And it’s here where my loophole, my lifeline, my world comes undone. See, I thought it was like the perfect crime. Its smooth, velvet chocolate ganache-like texture, it’s chocolate mousse-like appearance  – this was my savior in the darkest of detox hours. My friend. My companion. And vegan, soy free, gluten free, lactose free and no added sugar to boot. It was probably cleansing my liver with every heavenly mouthful. Dr Joshi would be so proud. So, having lost my Elvis bloating and with even a return of perhaps a twinkle in the peepholes, I gallantly perched myself on the scales eagerly anticipating a much deserved weight-loss. 5 days without wine and sugar – seriously, I’ll be down to my birth-weight.  But no – I had put on 3 kilos! CoooYooo! Who puts on weight during a detox? Me.

So, with a heavy heart, I am now on chocolate CoYo rations until the last delicious tub is no more. There is nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. Sigh.





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