Brides Behaving Badly: Part Two

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Fake Tan

Despite my warnings to Bridey at the trial, who may have a delightful peaches and cream complexion, I will inevitably turn up on The Day to find the entire bridal party the colour of a  pole-dancing troupe. In fact, it’s safe to say, I have done more tandori-coloured bridal parties than eaten hot lunches. I now bring a selection of yellowy/orange foundations to tackle this very issue.

While at the wedding that pushed-me-to-my-limits of two weeks ago, Bridesmaid One sat down in my chair. After giving me the A-Z of what she didn’t want, I asked her out of interest, if she were fake-tanned as she did look naturally olive (it was a dollar each way).

“Yes I am. I’ll show you my natural colour,”she said as she heaved herself off the chair. Standing up, she then turned around, pulled down her elasticised pants and for lack of a better word, pointed to her exposed “crack” and said: “See there, that’s my natural colour”. The night terrors continue to this day.


Brides like to know the sequence of events, and this is important. A schedule has to be co-ordinated so everyone gets done before the arrival of the photographer. Nothing pisses off a photographer more than when he arrives at the hour he confirmed, and the entire bridal party are still in their jammies with hair pin-curled and half made-up. So, yes making a schedule is essential.

However, like any project, flexibility is crucial because things rarely go precisely to plan, especially when there are 5 bridesmaids involved. So, circling the hairdresser who may be a chain-smoking Hungarian from several generations ago and ranting: “That’s it. I’m not joking now. You have to finish now, okay! You have got to start the next bridesmaid!” This behaviour is counter-productive and will result in said hairdresser creating more average hairdos in longer time, which equals tension, and tears.

Create a flexible schedule which allows time for painful bridesmaids not liking their hair or eye-shadow (“I noticed you slightly flicked out the eye-liner on Jasmine, could you perhaps do mine the same? And I can I have more lashes than her?”), the eating of lunch and the putting on of dresses. Also allow time for fun…having your hair and make-up done, getting all dressed up with your friends (providing of course you are still friends by the time The Day arrives) …it’s fun!


2 thoughts on “Brides Behaving Badly: Part Two

  1. You are hilarious Aleesa!
    I’d give up make-up and write a book or at least for mags. I know your too good to give up make-up GG would have me killed xx

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